I have been blogging on this site regularly: mjoymommy.wordpress.com

Today’s post was from WordPress’ Bloganuary event where people with WordPress blogs can post each day based on a prompt of the day during the month of January.

Do you have a memory linked to a smell?

I inhale deeply trying to catch a whiff of what used to be a strong mix of scents. Blends of essential oils. Frankincense – an oil that was said to have helped brain tumors. Copaiba – possibly anti-inflammatory? Lavender – an all-around useful oil. The items I’m inhaling include a yellow, soft blanket that came from one of my son Judah’s hospitalizations at a children’s hospital, and a quilt that was made by a woman from our church out of Judah’s clothes. Can I still smell a faint trace of the smell of the oils six years later?

The smell would bring me back to those days when we were in the fight against Judah’s inoperable brain tumor. Conventional science gave us no hope. Was there anything else that would give us hope? Any chance that something we might try could eat up and destroy the cancer cells that were sure to keep multiplying in Judah’s brain? We applied essential oils, changed his diet, added nutritional supplements to his diet and prayed that it would be enough. But it wasn’t. That yellow blanket represents both worlds – conventional science from the hospital and a naturopathic approach from our own attempts, neither of which could give us what we wanted.

The smell brings back the memory of Judah. He did anything we asked of him as we tried to win the battle against cancer. I wouldn’t say that he did these things because he considered it his fight, but he trusted us to do what was best for him. He rarely balked at anything we asked of him until near the end when swallowing the supplements became too stressful and time-consuming to continue. Were they helping anyways? Did any of what we did help? Would I do things the same if I had to do it again with someone else or if I had to do it over again with him? I honestly don’t know. I don’t feel guilt over our choices, but there may have been a better way to walk through his cancer journey. 

Now Judah hasn’t been here with us for over six years. Can I find a hint of that smell again? I inhale deeply, shift the blanket to another spot and try again. The blanket made out of his clothes had a very strong smell at first. The woman who quilted it was sensitive to smells and it gave her headaches as she worked on it. I felt badly for her, but was grateful that she pushed through and finished. I smell the angry birds shirt, the Hawaii t-shirt from our Make-a-Wish trip, the HopeKids organization t-shirt that brought many positive memories during Judah’s treatment period, Judah’s zip-up hoodie that he wore so often towards the end and holds difficult memories of Judah’s decline, and others. Unfortunately the smell is mostly erased. 

I hope the memories are never erased even though it feels like Judah has been erased from this earth with hardly a look back. Life continues to run fast-paced until one day it will stop for each of us. If only I could catch that smell again, but it wouldn’t change the reality of his absence. But I remember the hope of that day when I will graduate from this earth to my heavenly home. Then I won’t need a smell to bring me back to those days and those days won’t be filled with painful memories. Life will be new and the smells will be more amazing than I can imagine. 

So today I can try to smell and remember because Judah and the lessons learned of that time are worth remembering, I can appreciate the smells of today as my daughter sits nearby with her coffee. Special gifts of today with those still here. And I can look forward to heaven when all will be made right and beautiful smells will be everywhere. 


Posted by in Melanie's posts Tags: , ,